Posted by: Jack Henry | December 10, 2020

Editor’s Corner: More Malaphors and Contest Results

Good morning, everyone!

A big thank you to everyone who sent in a submission (or a bunch of them) for the malaphor contest. Just to jog your memory, a malaphor is a mix of aphorisms, idioms, or clichés. I received tons of submissions. Some might not really qualify as malaphors, some have been borrowed from elsewhere, and some are from families who seem to have a talent for mixing their phrases unknowingly. I did ask for G-rated, but there are a few in here that might get into PG-13. Consider yourselves warned!

And the winners? Keith Slayton sent in the most submissions and made the 15-year-old schoolboy in my head laugh out loud. I will share most of his with you in the next email. And our random winner is Rebecca Nellis, who submitted “The road to hell wasn’t paved in a day,” which seems like a pretty good description of this past year.

Today, in no particular order, is the first batch. Enjoy!

Ted Tarris

  • Half a dozen of one and that’s a whole other bowl of worms.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, won’t get fooled again.
  • He’s a couple beers short of an early bird.

Ron Harman

  • Once in a blue moon, you may need to tell ‘em to put it where the sun don’t shine.
  • If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you hold your horses?
  • My ears are burning the candle at both ends.
  • He was three sheets to the wind beneath my wings.
  • I’m up the creek without a pot to pee in.

Nathan Allen

  • Don’t count all the eggs in one basket.
  • Don’t make a mountain out of a hill of beans.
  • As busy as a one-legged bee.
  • The truth is as plain as the nose you cut off to spite your face.
  • Let sleeping dogs lie or you’ll wake up with fleas.

Jason Matheney

  • Jumping through some hurdles.
  • Whole nother ballgame to tackle.
  • I ain’t gonna spill milk over it.
  • Preaching to the crowd.

Laura Reece

  • Killing two birds in one bush.

Dan Green

  • Don’t kill the goose that lays all your eggs in one basket.
  • It’s no use beating a gift horse midstream.
  • Walk softly, but carry a big bull by the horns.
  • Don’t put the cart before the beaten, dead gift horse that you can’t make drink and looked in the mouth and changed midstream.

Rebecca Nellis

Dave Foss

  • That’s water over the bridge.

Debbie Seufert

  • A bird in hand is worth its weight in gold.

Robert Ellison

  • It ain’t rocket surgery.

Javier Romero

  • If the pie fits, shoot it.

George Cameron

  • Has the cat got your nose?
  • A bird in the head hurts (from the Dick Van Dyke show)

From classic TV/movies:

  • I’ll run it up the flag pole and see if it makes a splash.
  • You’re burning the candle at both ends—and in the middle too!

Brent Jones

  • Don’t count your chickens until the cows come home.
  • Never look a gift horse in the eye.
  • Cuts like a knife through sliced bread.
  • All that glitters isn’t money in the bank.
  • Every cloud has a silver rainbow.
  • When life gives you lemons, look on the bright side.

Riley Hughes

  • If the ducks align…

Mari Kreft

  • He’s all hat and no cattle.
  • He’s as funny as a rubber gut.

Yonesy Núñez

  • A bird in hand is worth more than two eggs in a basket.

Mary Schneider

  • He is a few fruit loops short of the top of the elevator.
  • He is a few fruit loops short of a plate of spaghetti.

Brandi Binion

  • All that glitters is having cake and eating it too.

And two of you included me in your email malaphor battle. Rather than include the whole string of combatant barbs to each other, I am just including the resulting malaphors from Ron, and a now-retired Symitarian, Michael Timmerman. You might be able to tell by his malaphors that Ron is missing the treats we used to bring in to share with each other.

Ron Fauset

  • Take me out to the ballgame to eat cake.
  • It’s raining cats and let them eat cake.
  • Don’t bite the hand that lets them eat cake.
  • Bend over backwards to let them eat cake.
  • You can lead a horse to water and let them eat cake.
  • A fool and his money lets them eat cake.
  • A stitch in time to let them eat cake.
  • Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth when they’re eating cake.
  • Nothing’s certain in life but letting them eat cake.
  • Add insult to let them eat cake.
  • That’s the best thing since letting them eat cake.
  • Burn the midnight oil to let them eat cake.
  • Cost an arm and let them eat cake.

Michael Timmerman

  • That’s putting the cake before the dead horse.
  • You can’t swing a piece of cake around here without hitting a bullseye!
  • I can’t swing a dead horse around here without hitting a malaphor!
  • Fine! You can have my malaphor when you can pry it from my cold, dead horse!

Kara Church

Pronouns: she/her/hers

Technical Editor, Advisory

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