Posted by: Jack Henry | June 29, 2021

Editor’s Corner: Feeling Old

Most days, I feel pretty spry and up for conquering the world. But there are some days, I just feel old. My husband loves to talk about movies or something that happened in the past and then say, “Do you realize that was 20 (or 30 or 40) years ago?”

Well, I might have something for anyone out there who’s feeling slightly senior. Apparently, May was “Older Americans Month,” and Richard Lederer, our local verbivore, wrote an article on getting older for his 83rd birthday. I’ve cut bits and pieces to make it smaller, but the full article is here.

Fullness of years makes for fullness of life. For one thing, you’re surrounded by a lot of friends: As soon as you wake up, Will Power is there to help you get out of bed. Then you go and visit John. When you play golf, Charley Horse shows up to be your partner. As soon as he leaves, along come Arthur Ritis and his six aunts — Aunt Acid, Auntie Pain, Auntie Oxidant, Auntie Biotic, Auntie Coagulant, and Auntie Inflammatory — and you go the rest of the day from joint to joint. After such a busy day, you’re Petered and Tuckered out and glad to go to bed — with Ben Gay, of course!

Another benefit of great maturity is that you’re worth a fortune. You have silver in your hair, gold in your teeth, stones in your kidneys, lead in your feet, mineral deposits in your joints and natural gas in your stomach.

Here’s another medical fact (and I’m not making this up): Studies show that one’s body temperature declines from decade to decade and that the drop becomes particularly pronounced in the elderly. Therefore, old folks are the coolest people on earth.

But wait! There’s more — many more advantages to attaining old age:

§ You are the age you are, but you are also all the ages you have been.

§ Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

§ Whatever you buy now won’t wear out.

§ You tolerate pain better than younger people because you know that pain is better than no sensation at all.

§ Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

§ If you are taken hostage, you will be among the first to be released.

§ Senior discounts.

§ You can brazenly spoil the grandkids and then send them back home to the common enemy.

§ No more zits, no more pregnancy scares; no more Phys Ed, ugly gym uniforms, Algebra, diagramming sentences, pop quizzes, final exams, SATs, study halls or detentions.

§ Fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

§ The speed limit is no longer a challenge to you.

§ Your joints are now more accurate than the National Weather Service.

§ You no longer have to spend big bucks to get your teeth whitened.

§ Nobody expects you to run into a burning building.

§ All those things you couldn’t have as a youth you no longer want.

§ You feel righteous because memory loss passes for a clear conscience.

§ The older you get, the better you were!

§ You are in possession of a gift that so many others have been denied.

Whether you identify as a spring chicken or an old coot, I hope you have a fantastic day.

Kara Church

Pronouns: she/her/hers

Technical Editor, Advisory

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